March 13, 2010

The End of Easy

Posted in Water Droplets tagged at 11:49 pm by Tamara

Well, as of 3:30pm today I finished this term and Spring Break started. I’d better enjoy it, because I’ve decided to go full time next block. I may die–we shall see. I must say, though, that Spring Break loses a little of its luster when I still have full time work overshadowing it.

I’ve been feeling unbearably introspective/pensive these past few days. My poet’s pen has been unbearably stuck, however, so I don’t have any outlet for all that dramatic melancholy. Sigh. I should go tumble down a rainy hill or something (points for anyone who knows what I’m talking about.) I’m thankful that God puts up with my restless longings. If nothing else, they remind me that I’m not home yet.

January 25, 2010

No Toilet, William Wilberforce, and Standing in the Rain

Posted in Water Droplets tagged , , , at 12:00 am by Tamara

Today continued the rash of…interesting days.  Yesterday my shower was cut short when the drain plugged and we realized that the toilets were filling with water and backing up too.  Great.  It looks like there’s a problem with the sewage pipe all the drains connect to.  So, we’ve been without showers/toilets/washing machine, etc for two days.  I keep thinking of Haiti (and many other countries who suffer without us noticing) and I am so thankful to be as blessed as I am.  Still, that doesn’t change the fact that I have an American job that requires that I show up in clean business clothes and without body odor, so the stress of the situation remains.  Luckily, we’ve discovered that we can carefully flush the toilet once every so often.  Just thought I’d add that for anyone concerned….

I picked up a book at work the other day about William Wilberforce.  I REALLY want to read a biography of him.  From what I know of him, his story tugs at me more than I can say.  He went up against something morally wrong that everyone accepted, beat his head against impossible odds and…did it.  His fight against slavery literally changed the world.  I’m especially drawn to his story because he didn’t just change laws, he changed the prevailing mindset of two huge countries.  How <i>incredible</i>.  And how tempted he must have been to give up, but he didn’t.  He continued, holding his faith in Christ as his motivation the whole time.  Incredible.  In case you haven’t guessed, Amazing Grace is also one of my all time favorite movies.  If you haven’t seen it, you MUST.

Another random note: PBS started airing their new version of Jane Austen’s Emma tonight.  It stars Romola Garai as the title character, who also plays Wilberforce’s wife in Amazing Grace.  I desperately wanted to watch it, but–alas!–we have no TV reception.  Good news is they’ll stream it on pbs.org tomorrow.

Tomorrow Adam and I have to make one car get us to three places at the same time (work, school, and home for the plumber).  We really need another car, but are afraid to deplete our savings buying one before Adam gets a job.  It’s a viscous cycle, though, as it would be much easier to GET TO a job if we had a car.  How do we both work and go to school in different locations at the same time with one car??  And even if we had the money, how do we have time to find a good one, what with job searching, school, fixing the house, and working?  It’s stressing me out just a teeny tiny bit.  As my mom commented, though, God has worked other things out nearly miraculously.  He’ll provide.  In the meantime, I may be standing outside a closed Barnes and Noble for a few hours in the mornings.  At least it’s not snowing…just raining.

And now, I am going to bed.  It’s only midnight, which is two hours earlier than I went to bed last night!

July 29, 2009

Dear God,

Posted in Watermarks in Progress tagged , , , at 12:17 am by Tamara

Dear God,

Thank You for my patient husband.
Thank You that I’m healthy.
Thank You that I have a place to live.
Thank You that Adam has a job.
Thank You that I have free time.
Thank You for providing for us.
Thank You for our church.
Thank You for letting me serve on worship.
Thank You that we have family and we’ll never be on the streets.
Thank You for beating on my pride.
Thank You that I could fail at everything and You’d still love me.
Thank You for having a plan.
Thank You for cool, calm nights.
Thank You (yes, thank You) that I don’t have a job. Sigh.
Thank You (yes, thank You) that school is not working out. Sigh.
Thank You (yes, thank You) that I’m restless and frustrated. I’d rather be restless than complacent.
Thank You (yes, thank You) for times when I feel I’ve accomplished nothing to make me worthy. Sigh.
Thank You for seeing me through Your eyes and not mine.
Thank You for Your grace, even when I don’t want to need it.
Thank You for being patient with me.
Thank You for letting me be frustrated when You don’t do what I want You to.
Thank You for forgiving me for my frustration.
Thank You for being gracious with me when I’m angry at You for not acting how I expect You to.
Thank You for forgiving me for my sinful anger.
Thank You for walking with me through the wilderness, even when I’m kicking and screaming.
Thank You for accepting me when I come crying.
Thank You for Your cross—please help me to understand it.
Thank You that I get to come home some day.
Thank You, thank You, thank You, that I know You.

Love, Me

July 7, 2009

Restless

Posted in Poetry tagged at 8:56 pm by Tamara

My soul is running tonight.
Restless, answerless;
I can’t fight, so I run.
I run inside, run to You.

Lord, I long to express
The heavenly void in my heart
That aches and calls in words
that are not from this world

I am running inside,
Running, beating, fighting the air.
Stop me, still me.
I fling myself to Your feet.

These aches rush through my soul—
This holy dissatisfaction,
It whips and waves in torrents
Captured within me.

The flame of Your Word
consumes me softly and strongly.
Let the fire dance and whip,
Burn me down to fiery coals.

Light confined within me cries
to be thrown in piercing beams.
Break me, set it free!
Show Your surpassing greatness.

Oh Father, find me.
Speak to me, light me.
Penetrate the darkest corners,
Flood me with your light.

I can only be light as You consume.
Dead to self, alive to You.
Set me as a flame on fire,
Burn me out in a land of darkness.

Let them see Your light as I burn away.
Less of me, Lord—
Less of me.