May 1, 2011

“Fix It!”

Posted in Watermarks in Progress at 11:05 pm by Tamara

Everyone says these first few weeks are the hardest.  Irrational though it may be, it’s amazing how hard it is sometimes to not take Berean’s crying as a personal condemnation.  He cries so pitifully—I know he wants me to fix “it,” and I have no way to tell him that I don’t know HOW to fix it.  I broke down crying the other night to Adam because I just felt like if I was a better mother Rean would be happier.  I know in my head that that’s irrational—three week old babies pretty much have two modes: asleep and crying.

I also got really discouraged the other day when realized that I wanted to feel like Berean loves me.  What a weird thing to realize.  I was soooo tired, and discouraged by his crying, and had no idea what to try next, and I just plain wanted to feel like he loved me and appreciated how exhausted I was and how hard I was trying to take care of him and make him happy.  I wanted to know that he knew how desperately much I LOVE HIM…but I felt like all he was was frustrated and disappointed in me that I couldn’t “fix it.”  And then I felt like a horrible mother—what kind of mother expects to be appreciated by her newborn?  Of course, I adore him and I’d keep taking care of him if he never appreciated me at all.  And I know we’ll reach the point when I’ll pick him up and he’ll smile like I’m his whole world and melt my heart, but for now he just plain…needs me.

I’ve been pondering that a lot these past few days.  Life with a newborn is really an exercise in selfless love.  They just plain need you and have no way to express appreciation, or even energy left over to do so.  I’ve been thinking about how often that’s true of us and God.  We need him for every breath we breathe—for crying out loud we need Him to keep our molecules from bursting apart!  Just like Acts 17:27-28 says: “In Him we live and move and exist,” and Job 12:10 “In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind.”  But…we pretty much take it for granted.  And yet He still keeps holding us together.  Regardless of whether we’re grateful and love him or take Him for granted or hate Him…He still provides for us.  I fall to pieces when I think about how much I ADORE this little baby, and wonder if he realizes it or is just frustrated with me for not knowing how to “fix it.”  And if that kills me, how must God feel, when I take Him for granted or act like He doesn’t love me because I don’t see Him “fixing it” the way I want Him to?  It’s made me realize, again, how deep God’s love for me is.

I’m kind of afraid I sound insane writing this.  Is it crazy to be discouraged by a frustrated newborn?  AM I a horrible mother to even think about wanting him to appreciate me?  I guess the answer to that doesn’t really matter so long as I’m letting God mold me more into His image through these weeks.  I do think I’m learning—about selflessness, and how God can give me depths of love that I didn’t even think I was capable of, and how everything can seem completely out of proportion when I’m exhausted!  And even with my periodic emotional breakdowns…I still think motherhood is wonderful, and I really think we’re doing pretty good.

Tonight Rean started crying when we were trying to put him to bed.  I sat and rocked him and sang to him, and he stopped crying and listened to me sing until he fell asleep.  You know…I think he loves me.  And I know I utterly, completely adore him.


1 Comment »

  1. Mom said,

    You’re a wonderful, amazing mother, as well as an outstanding and inspiring writer! I love the way you take everyday experiences and write something profound about them. I’m glad you’re keeping a record of these writings. Some day Rean will read them and rise up and bless you. Love you!

I am SO encouraged by comments: please feel free to leave one!

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