April 27, 2011

First Day Alone

Posted in Watermarks in Progress tagged at 11:21 pm by Tamara

Berean had his two week appointment today.  He’s 9lbs, 6oz now, and in the 90-95th percentile for length and weight.  Wow!  Big boy!  It’s good to know he’s growing so well; it gives me a lot more confidence with nursing.  My mom left yesterday (saaaaad day), and today has been our first full day on our own.  It’s gone pretty good, though!  Just like labor, I feel like the worst thing about crying fits is not knowing how long they’ll last.  It would be much easier if I just knew, “Okay, he’s going to cry until 4:17am and then stop.  Just hang in there.”  But he starts crying and I think, “Is he going to cry all night?  Am I not going to get any sleep at all?  Is he going to get colic and cry for the next six months?  Am I not going to get any sleep for the next year??  Am I going to get a hangnail and die from it???”  I’m great at mentally jumping from little problem to massive crisis.  And there’s not really any reason for me to do so, because he’s really been an easy baby, all things considered!

One thing that’s helped is that I’ve started writing verses on index cards to read when I get up in the middle of the night.  I’m too tired to really read a book at 3am, but I can focus on a few verses, so before bed I’ve been writing out ones that match how I’m feeling or what I’ve been thinking about.  A couple nights ago I started running a fever with aches/chills/sweats, etc.  After a day and a half of that I was feeling totally inadequate, exhausted, and emotional.  I was picturing every worst-case scenario possible (infected incision, mastitis, being alone with baby and sick in bed, etc) and getting totally overwhelmed, so I went to find the verse about God’s peace guarding your heart and mind.  I had forgotten what the verse before it was, but it was quite appropriate:

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7

I chanted that at myself all evening and night, and I don’t think it was a coincidence that my fever was gone by the next morning.  I went to the doctor that day just in case, and he said it was probably just my body taking care of an issue on its own.  I told him that’s exactly what we’d been praying for.

So, now here I am almost at the end of the dreaded first day alone with Berean, and we’re doing good!  Definitely feeling “peace beyond comprehension.”  Rean had a few inconsolable moments today, but, notably, I didn’t freak out.  And, every time he eventually settles down after being “inconsolable,” I feel a little more confident that “this too shall pass.”  So anyway, all that to say…I’m learning (again) to trust God and rely on His peace.  And I still totally adore this little boy.  : )

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3 Comments »

  1. mary said,

    Wow, he is a big boy! And hang in there. This too shall pass. And isn’t it sweet how the Lord gives us all we need to persevere!

  2. Cheryl said,

    Sweet Tamara,
    I went through the EXACT same thing with Luke. The day my parents had left and Matthew had gone back to work – I was SO nervous. But even though I thought I was “alone” I really wasn’t – the Lord was there with me the whole time. It was scary at times and very emotional at times – but God is right there with you, He knows how you feel and He’s there waiting for you to curl up in His arms just like little Berean curls up in yours.

    Enjoy these moments that you have with him while he’s this size. I’m sure you’ve heard it over and over again – but I’ll say it too – they grow so fast. Tomorrow Luke will be 10 months old! It seemed just like yesterday that he was Berean’s size.

    You are a beautiful mommy!! Don’t just “hang in there” but really experience and enjoy these moments. Will he pee on you, on the wall, on daddy, on the dog, etc? Yes. Will he wake up (what seems like) 10,000 times at night? Yes. Will he ever want to stop eating? Uh..probably not. Will he continually steal your heart and make you realize the true wonderment of God’s love? Absolutely.

    Love you!!

  3. Mom said,

    I’m soo glad to read that. Thank you, Lord!
    I miss you and just wish it were possible to spend more time with you. I’m consoling myself with the understanding that I’ll see you again in June.
    Love you all! <3


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