April 2, 2010

Pebbles on the Track

Posted in Watermarks in Progress tagged , , , at 10:54 pm by Tamara

There are some days when I really wish I could push a “Stop” button and have them end, like turning off a bad movie.  Presto!  Over.  Yesterday was one of those days.  It wasn’t a cataclysmic day, just a bunch of little failures and inadequacies.  One of my bosses, who tends to make me feel like I’m about to lose my job, was pushing me most of the night on why I haven’t been able to meet a certain sales goal lately, and by the time I was driving home I felt guilty, inadequate, discouraged, and defensive.  I have a tendency when I feel that way to re-live everything that happened, mentally beating myself for my failure and thinking of what I should have done, said, not done, or whatever.  I just wanted to stamp a huge red “FAIL” on myself, end the day, and wipe it off my memory bank.

I was trying to think about how Jesus sees me, and how completely insignificant my failures for the day were in His opinion.  I know when He looks at me He couldn’t care less if I failed to make a sales goal.  I could almost hear him scoffing, “You think THAT changes my opinion of you??”  Then suddenly, through the cloud of guilt, I remembered a conversation I’d had with a friend earlier.  It was an incredible conversation–I’ve been praying for openings to share the gospel with this person, and out of nowhere they said that they feel a spiritual void in their life.  And I have to admit, this was one person who I expected to be, at best, apathetic toward religion, and at worst hostile.  It blew me away–it was like God had plunked down a lighted billboard saying “Attention!  Fertile Ground Here!”

So, as I was driving home feeling like a worthless failure, it suddenly struck me like a blow: Satan wants me to forget all about that conversation.  He wants me wallowing in guilt and inadequacy, convinced of my failure when I just had a day that should put me on a fired-up spiritual high.  He is such a THIEF.  He desperately wants me to judge myself by a few temporal, worldly failures so I forget all about the spiritual marathon God is coaching me through.

I want to work hard at my job.  I want to glorify God by working with all my might like I’m working directly for Him.  But I do not want to define myself by whether I do well or poorly at it.  It’s not, after all, my real job.  God is placing spiritual hurdles before me every step of this marathon called life, and I know He and the angels cheer madly every time I clear one.  It’s a spiritual marathon, and there are some things that will only have an impact until I die (if that), and other things that will impact the rest of forever, for me and others.  That’s what He’s concentrating on, and what I want to concentrate on too.  All the other things are just little pebbles on the track.



  1. Mom said,

    Cheering you on toward the (real) goal! And Yay! for turning aside from Satan’s wheedling! Love you!

  2. Mary Hamill said,

    Amen, Tamara! And I’m excited about how God is working in the life of your friend, and using you for His purposes. Nothing more important than that!

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