January 30, 2010

Running on Air (Financially Speaking)

Posted in Watermarks in Progress tagged , , , , at 12:44 am by Tamara

I tried really hard before we moved to come up with a plan for how we were going to make ends meet here.  I was finally convicted that all I was doing was desperately strangling the impossible little excel boxes and having a crisis of faith every time I did.  God provided some things absolutely miraculously for us to come, but one thing He never explained was how He was going to work His magic on those nauseating little excel boxes.  There comes a time when God says “Jump” and you just…jump.

Tonight I made the mistake of calculating how much I’m making per hour after taxes and insurance.  Let’s just say I made more babysitting as a 12 year old and leave it at that.  Then I decided to flog myself further by calculating our budget again, looking at bills….  We’re not talking about a little short-fall here or a little cut-out-the-restaurants for a while, we’re talking “there is no feasible way we can survive on what we’re making right now.”

It’s an interesting place to be suspended at.  See, the problem is that when I jump off a cliff following God, I expect that He’s going to catch me on eagle’s wings and fly me across.  But it’s more like I leap and fall, flailing madly, cry out to God…and then my terrified foot suddenly finds itself hitting a solid step.  Amazing!  Like one of those stone paths in a garden, only this one is invisible and suspended in thin air.  But then God says, “No, Tamara—don’t stop.  Run!”  And I have to do it again; I have to push off that invisible, solid step and feel my stomach lurch again as I fall for a second and then—my foot hits another step: God’s provision, invisibly suspended over the deep chasm.

Part of me wants to stop.  I want to sit down with a whimper on the step I’m on and not feel that horrible lurching in my stomach.  But then I’d just be perched out where I’m alone and cold and can’t see the edges of whatever is holding me up.  God wants me to run.  Faith is SUBSTANCE.  The substance of things not seen—the substance that makes air and waves solid so you can run on them.  God has already provided for everything we spent moving here.  I’m not even sure how it happened, it just came out of nowhere.  That was the first solid step.  Tonight I’m looking at the numbers and my stomach is about where my heart should be and my heart is in my throat.  What’s the conclusion to the story?  I don’t know, but I think God is more glorified when I tell the whole story of His faithfulness than when I pretend the Christian life is instant sugar.  So I guess you can consider this part one.

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2 Comments »

  1. Mary Hamill said,

    Tamara,

    My heart is aching for you and Adam as you go through this time of uncertainty. But I do know this – you are entirely right when you say that God can be trusted in this.

    If there is one thing that the past few hard months taught me, it’s that God sees every detail of need in our lives, and that combined with His goodness and His power results in every need being met. And always more perfectly and creatively than we could imagine. The tough part is that God (who someone once said “is always up to something in our lives”) usually seems to be determined to use these kinds of circumstances to stretch our faith. And that often seems to involve us reaching the end of our rope, and ourselves, before the answer is made evident.

    Hang in there! And know that we are praying and trusting God for you in all things.

    Love,
    Mom H. (who still remembers jumping off her first, scary cliff)

  2. Tamara said,

    Aw, thanks, Mom. You have such a great perspective on things. :) I love hearing your and Dad’s stories. It’s great to know you’re praying for us and loving us. Miss you very much!!


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