September 16, 2009

Falling…With Style

Posted in Watermarks in Progress tagged , , at 8:47 am by Tamara

I distinctly remember my wincing prayer: “Lord, if you want me to look like an idiot, I will.” I was nineteen and almost a junior at the college I’d decided to go to when I was ten. My life plan was rolling along splendidly, until I suddenly felt like God was leading me to leave college. (Choke) The label “College Drop-out” just sounded so unbearably horrible. Well, I took a leap of faith and the next thing I knew I was plunked down at a Bible college in the frigid depths of Wisconsin—IN JANUARY. I had no idea that this insane move was God’s answer to so many of my prayers. The next few years as a student and then as staff at the school were a dream, and I often sat in amazement of how WONDERFUL God was making my life.

Once in “Anne of Avonlea,” Anne is talking to Marilla about soaring in life’s wonderful moments, when Marilla very pragmatically informs her that she’d “Rather do without both soaring, and THUD.” Ah, yes, thud. Things went thud for me when suddenly I needed to look for a job in the “real” world, and I needed…a college degree.

HammerLooking back on when I left college, it felt like I’d been sitting at my carpentry bench, happily hammering away, when God said, “Give me your hammer.”
(Confused expression) “But, God, I can’t make this box without a hammer.”
“Will you trust Me?”
So I hand over my hammer, and for a few glorious years, He works everything out! I don’t need that hammer, and He gives me new tools, and helps me make beautiful, elaborate things, and then—
“Make Me a box.”
I stop dead. “But, God, I don’t have my hammer anymore. You took it away.”
“Make Me a box.”
“How can I make You a box without a hammer?!”
Silence.

I was okay with the leap of faith when I left college, but I expected God to CATCH me. In fact, there was no doubt in my mind that He would. He owed it to me—I leapt, didn’t I? And He did catch me for several years, and then…THUD. Now it seemed like the biggest stresses in my life were because I’d trusted God. I’d willingly given Him my tools (job, degree, etc) when He asked for them, and now what did He expect me to do, bang the nails in with my head? It seemed like God was being so…mean. What do you do when God isn’t catching you?

To Be Continued….

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