July 12, 2009

The Breakdown, Part 1

Posted in Watermarks in Progress tagged , , , at 8:56 am by Tamara

Well, I had a mini-breakdown the other day. I called my mom (everyone needs their mommy) and bawled my little eyes out. Then Adam came home and I bawled. Poor man—I shouldn’t cry to him, it makes him so sad! But he’s a great comforter. Anyway. I’ve been trying to write this ever since, and having no success. The words just won’t arrange themselves to explain what I think God is trying to teach me. Hence the long absence of a post last week. Here goes try number four…. Make that five.

Let’s see—how did I get here? The transition from being in full-time discipleship ministry to being laid off and becoming an unemployed, married deadbeat has been pretty rough. I called my mom and summed my life up: “My life consists of cleaning the apartment, trying to convince worldly, pointless businesses to hire me, feeling guilty about not working, and being afraid that we won’t have enough money next semester because of it.” She, like many, tried to reassure me that God has my job situation under control, and I just have to wait until He gives me the right one. Sounds reasonable, but I just can’t seem to accept that. Why? Because I’m afraid I’M doing something wrong. Maybe the reason I don’t have a job isn’t because God hasn’t given me one yet, but because I’m being lazy about the job hunt. Maybe I’m being too picky (I haven’t applied at McDonalds yet, after all.) Maybe I have a wrong attitude. Maybe, maybe, maybe. All these maybes are scaring me to death, and contributed to me bawling on the phone to my mom.

Mom asked me if I’ve asked God about all those “maybes.” Yes, of course, but what is He saying? Nothing. Or, even worse than Him saying nothing, maybe He’s speaking and I’m not hearing. Maybe I’m sinning, so I’m ignoring Him, but since I’m not hearing Him, I don’t know I’m sinning, and since I don’t know I’m sinning, I don’t know I can’t hear Him, so I won’t figure out that I’m sinning, so He’ll punish me….

Ah. Vicious circle, isn’t it? Enter the terrifying, paralyzing fear of being silently abandoned. I think part of the reason I haven’t been able to write this is because I know it touches on so many areas of misunderstanding truth. This may have to be a two-parter. Or a ten-parter. Dun dun dun.

Part two to come: The Breakdown—(Accidentally) Idolizing My Sin Nature.

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