January 16, 2012
Book Review: The Ring Makes All the Difference
Title: The Ring Makes All the Difference: the Hidden Consequences of Cohabitation and the Strong Benefits of Marriage
Author: Glenn T. Stanton
Genre: Non-fiction, Relationships
Star Verdct: ***** (out of five)
I’ve often heard my peers say things like that living together is a safe way to “test out” a relationship to see if it is going to work before you make a permanent commitment to marriage, or that they are “practically married” and don’t need a piece of paper to solidify their relationship. I confess I’ve often been rather tongue tied, not knowing how to respond.
When I saw that there was a book compiling the findings of four decades worth of scientific studies on the impact that living together has on relationships, I was instantly interested. This fascinating book explains research findings on the effects of cohabitation on a wide range of relational issues and shows some surprising results, such as that:
- Couples who live together before getting married are 50-80% (!) more likely to get divorced than couples who have not lived together beforehand (l. 949)
- The rate of violence for cohabiting couples is twice as high as for married couples, and the rate for “severe” violence is nearly five times greater (l. 679.) Similarly, women living with boyfriends are nine times more likely to be murdered by their partner than married women (l. 695)
- Live-in boyfriends are nearly four times more likely to cheat than husbands (l. 704), and men who cohabited before marriage are more likely to cheat after they get married
- Married men typically spend 8 more hours a week helping with housework than live-in boyfriends (l. 753) and contribute more financially (l.2084)
- Living together without relational clarity/commitment tends to foster controlling and manipulative behavior patterns, which continue into marriage (l. 1076)
- Married individuals have health benefits roughly equivalent to being ten years younger than they are, whereas living together shows no such benefits (l. 1641)
- Although cohabitation was originally presented as a way to give women more freedom and power in relationships, studies overwhelming show that men benefit more from living together than women do (l. 1840)
The book was particularly fascinating to me because it simply focused on presenting research findings from respectable institutions, not on interpreting the results or presenting a religious viewpoint on relationships. The author does briefly discuss Biblical teachings about marriage and relationships in two chapters, but the bulk of the book examines the scientific evidence from the studies on cohabitation.
The well-documented and overwhelming conclusion from the dozens of research studies is that living together before marriage is one of the absolute worst things a couple can do in terms of its negative effects on their overall wellbeing and chance of having a happy, long-term relationship. I have seen many times that God knows what he’s talking about and says what he does because he wants me to be happy, but it is fascinating to see so much secular research from well-respected institutions clearly backing up Biblical commands.
This is a great resource for anyone trying to make decisions about their relationships or helping friends do so. The book points out that, thanks to four decades of research, “couples today considering marriage or cohabitation can make informed decisions about what type of relationship is more likely to lead to the happiness, intimacy, and longevity they seek. Smart couples will make use of such an opportunity” (l. 579).
January 15, 2012
Berean, Nine Months Old
Berean just turned nine months old. He is changing so quickly! He’s a crawling pro, but you can hardly get a glimpse of him crawling because he’s MUCH more interested in walking than crawling. He pulls himself up on anything he can get to—when he’s in his pack and play he completely ignores his toys and either stands there watching me or just toddles around, holding onto the railing until he falls over (with his poor little face squishing into the mesh rather hilariously) and then he scrambles right back up and keeps going. When I get him out he’ll hold my fingers and we’ll go on walking adventures all around the house. He’s too cute poking his little legs straight out in front of him like a tin soldier. The most exciting thing on our adventures is always when he spots the kitty. He squeals and tries to copy the cat’s “meow” sounds and has even said “Ki-ty!” a few times!
The only downside of these fun developments (besides trying to figure out how to make the house toddler-safe) is that it’s so hard to get pictures of him! He has three “poses” lately:
1) The Departing Caboose
2) The "See You Later"
3) The Blur
I’m going to have to get faster or more creative with my picture taking skills!
He’s getting more teeth to add to his bottom two. I think it’s the top this time—he keeps wrinkling his nose and doing the Elvis lip. It is so funny! Unfortunately I haven’t managed to get a picture of it, but his toothy grin is pretty cute, too!
What an adorable toothy grin!
Tonight I was snuggling him before bed and I told him I loved him and was sorry that his teeth hurt and that if I could take his pain away I would. He put his little hand up to my face and stroked my cheek with his thumb as if to say, “I know, Mommy. I love you, too.” Sniff! Melt his mommy’s heart!
He has such soulful eyes!
It’s fun to compare Berean’s first nine months with the nine months I was pregnant. These past nine months have been so full of memories and new discoveries that it seems like they were much longer than the time I was pregnant. It’s amazing how the wonder of holding my little boy and watching him grow has blurred away all the misery of being pregnant. I’d do it a hundred times over if that’s what it took to have my sweet little boy!
January 13, 2012
Dead Chicken Wrangler
Slimy....
The other night I had to use a whole chicken for a recipe. I’m not particularly freaked out by raw meat, but there’s just something mildly disturbing about being covered in bacteria-infested slime from a dead animal as you tug and hack away at it.
Life lately is a little less than glamorous. In theory, we’re trying to get into fulltime ministry. In practice, life doesn’t feel much like ministry. It seems like things like “serving God,” “ministry,” “missions,” etc. should have at least an aspect of glamour to them. Like there should be some sort of heart-swelling feeling of changing the world and leading people out of darkness and sacrificing for a cause and being looked up to as a spiritual giant. Like I should feel like God’s special favorite, like he’s proud of me. Happy with me. I don’t quite envision ministry to entail things like living with my parents and spending half the day wrestling with a dead chicken.
I was reading Leviticus a while back, and thinking how awful being a high priest sounds. Here is the man with the most “spiritual” job in the whole country, and his job seems…disgusting. I wonder what Aaron thought when he heard the list of his new responsibilities and compared them to his brother’s. I have to wonder if I would have been angry:
Well isn’t this just fantastic. Here’s my spoiled, stuttering brother Moses, who already got to grow up in palace luxury while I was a slave, and now he gets the glamour of leading the nation, and what do I get? I get the nasty, bloody job of constantly slaughtering, dissecting, bleeding, burning, and cooking sacrifices. I get to check for hairs growing in yellow skin sores. I get to inspect houses for mildew. I get to tend fires and lamp stands and carry heavy things. I get to teach people laws about bodily discharges. I get to kick people with infectious skin diseases out of the city. Wonderful. Sign me up.
But there is something incredible, awesome, jaw-dropping that priests got to do that no one else did: they got to commune with God. There is only one person who gets to go into the holy of holies, into God’s very presence and glory: the high priest.
Pillar of Fire
The wonder of that is easy to miss, because I forget how great my God is. This is the God who shakes mountains, who thunders and smokes, who makes men fall down in terror, who can make your skin radiate after just a glimpse of his back, who makes walls of water crash down over entire armies, who conceals himself in a giant swirling pillar of fire. To approach him is a very, VERY big deal. To communicate with him, be his special assistant, step in between him and people he’s angry with, be a recipient of his blessings, sweep the floor of his house…these are big deals.
“Ministry” for me right now is NOT glamorous. It is not heart-swelling. I do not feel like I’m impacting anyone, or helping anyone, or doing anything grand to advance the kingdom. No one is impressed by me or looking up to me. Lately I am cutting a lot of chicken, changing a lot of diapers, doing a lot of apartment searching, paying lots of bills, scrubbing lots of gunk, etc, etc, etc. I don’t feel very “useful” to God. But if Leviticus teaches me anything about service to God, it’s that serving doesn’t always involve glamorous things. That’s not the point.
What I DO as God’s servant isn’t always glamorous, but what I GET is very, very glamorous: I get to know God.
Friends with the God who made THIS.
What could be more glamorous or heart-swelling than getting to personally be friends with the creator of the universe? To communicate with him whenever I want? To know that the veil keeping me out of the Holy of Holies was dramatically ripped in half when Jesus died, and now I can go in his presence whenever I want? To know that he loves me and values me, and that neither of those is dependent on how glamorous or important or useful I am (or feel)?
As I was writing this, a snippet of a verse floated through my head, so I went to find it. It sums it up pretty well:
“Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you.” Psalm 84:10-12
So no matter how insignificant my daily grind may seem sometimes, that’s really not the point. I’m a dead chicken wrangler in the house of the God of the universe, and not only that, he’s my friend. That certainly makes my heart swell a bit.
P.S. This post was really hard to come up with pictures and a title for. “God’s Diaper Changer?” Um, nope. Pictures of slaughtered little lambies? Um, no.
January 1, 2012
Farewell, 2011!
What an eventful year 2011 has been! Here are some highlights and some of my favorite pictures.
January: Six months pregnant, we flew to Wisconsin to visit Adam’s family and celebrate a late Christmas. They threw us a baby shower while we were there, and it was so fun to see so many friends and family! Next we flew straight to Arizona for a Larson family reunion. Thanks to weather we almost didn’t make it, but finally rolled in a day late. Again, it was so fun to see family! About this time, Adam decided to switch his major from Pastoral Counseling to Bible Exposition, and we started to wonder if we should move.
Somehow this was the only family picture I got in Wisconsin!
Some (not all!) of my extended family at our Christmas reunion
Cousins!
February: Back in South Carolina, we celebrated Adam’s 25th birthday when I took him on a surprise weekend away in North Carolina. We spent a day hiking around the waterfalls in the mountains (being careful not to get TOO far away from the car since I was almost eight months pregnant!) Then we visited the Biltmore Estates in Ashville and wandered around downtown Ashville a bit (before the pouring rain started).
Looking Glass Falls, North Carolina
The Biltmore Estates
March: Nesting kicked into full gear as we anticipated our baby’s due date. I still worked at the bookstore, spending all day bending down to shelve books. Some days I felt like just staying down on the floor once I got all the way down there! My mom came a few weeks before the due date, and we treated ourselves to pedicures, planted the garden, and waited for baby!
Nine months pregnant!
April: Baby’s due date came and went, and while I was thankful he wasn’t born on April Fool’s Day, I was so ready to meet him! Finally, on April 11 they induced me, and on April 12 Berean was born! There are no words to say what a wonderful gift we received that day. He is worth all the misery of pregnancy and labor a million times over. And, we decided he was just waiting until both Grandmas could be there, because (thanks to his late arrival) Grandma H. arrived a couple hours before he was born!
First Family Picture!
Coming home from the hospital
May: Grandma H. and Grandma L. went home, and we settled in to life with a newborn. We got our first smiles from Berean and fell more in love with him every day! Adam proved to be wonder dad, and would get up in the middle of the night to change Rean and bring him to me as I stumbled out of bed. Sleep deprivation and all, we LOVED being parents!
Smiles and Giggles!
Ready for safari!
June: We flew to Colorado for my sister’s wedding. Berean was eight weeks old, and while I was apprehensive about flying alone, he did amazing! Adam flew out a few days later and we had a blast at the wedding and loved introducing Berean to his Grandpa L., aunts, uncles, and old friends. Back in South Carolina, we celebrated my 27th birthday.
At the wedding
My favorite birthday gift
July/August: We had been questioning our future direction ever since Adam decided to change his major, and having Berean made us miss being near family even more. After a lot of prayer we decided that, since Adam was no longer pursuing a degree that was specific to the school in South Carolina, he wanted to transfer to a seminary closer to family. There aren’t any seminaries near Adam’s family, so we decided on one in Colorado and started preparing to move. We made sure to take Berean to the ocean (my favorite part of South Carolina!) and he was pretty impressed with the sand and waves.
Three months old
The ocean--one of my favorite places in the world
My favorite place, with my favorite boys!
September: We spent most of our “free time” working on projects around the house, getting it ready to sell. I was still absolutely loving getting to be a stay at home mom with Berean, who got cuter every day!
Five months old, first solid food!
Date night
Time to say goodbye to our beloved little house.
October: We said goodbye to our house and a few wonderful friends in South Carolina and hit the road. We decided to visit Wisconsin “on the way” since Adam had a few weeks before he had to start his new job in Colorado and Berean still hadn’t met the H. side of the family. We got to meet our new nieces and nephew who had been adopted from Colombia, South America in February. We relished every moment spent with Adam’s family and our Wisconsin church family!
Six Months Old
Little Bear Meets Old Bear
Grandma and Grandpa H and the Grandkids
November: We arrived in Colorado! For the first time since Berean was born we had family members close by to hug, cuddle, play with, babysit, and admire our sweet boy!
Playing piano with Grandma L
Thanksgiving Dinner, 2011
December: We celebrated Berean’s first Christmas, and the first time Adam has been in Colorado for Christmas with my family. It was so fun to watch Christmas through the eyes of a baby, and to be near family!
Berean's First Christmas
Christmas with a baby is so fun!
Cutest, sweetest little boy in the world. We are so blessed!
All in all, 2011 was a year full of new adventures and God’s care and faithfulness through it all. I can’t wait to see what God has for us in 2012!
Happy New Year, Everyone!
December 31, 2011
The Blog Liveth! As do we: in our parents’ basement! (Wait. What?!?)
What’s with the siren song tempting me to start every blog post with “Well”?!? (Or, worse still, an apology for taking so long to post.) Both options are about as exciting as watching grass grow. I stop my ears, siren song of well/sorry!!
Anyway.
We’ve been in Colorado almost two months now, and life is still pretty up in the air. We haven’t signed a lease on an apartment yet, mostly because Adam’s job situation is still in progress. He’s been working two jobs, but we’re really hoping he can get one better paying job (and actually have time to do little things like, you know, sleep and eat). He had a preliminary interview with a school bus company and they told him he has to do another interview in January, but if he passes the background check, etc, he’ll get hired. That’s very good news, since they pay significantly better than his current job and he would have regular hours (YAY!) instead of never knowing what his schedule will be from week to week. The only downside is that the training doesn’t start until February, and we won’t know until it ends in March whether he can get full time hours right away or only part time. But, even if he’s only hired part time he’d make almost as much as he’s making full time at his job now, so we’re really praying it will work out!
At any rate, we’ve decided it’s best to wait and see what happens before we sign a lease. The cost of living here is pretty high; we could afford a decent one bedroom off what Adam is making now, but we’d really prefer two. He also could end up driving a route on the other side of town from where we are now, so we need to know that before we can decide on a location. Or there’s always a small chance he wouldn’t get the job at all, so we don’t want to count our chickens before they hatch. So many unknowns! So, for the time being I am forcing myself to be patient and wait on God’s provision until we’re confident we’re making a wise decision.
I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. On the one hand, I am SO thankful that my parents are graciously letting us stay with them. There’s a stereotypical horror story about staying with your parents, but our experience couldn’t be farther from that stereotype. They’ve been gracious and encouraging and helpful and non-meddlesome, and have done their best to give us as much privacy as possible in a house that really wasn’t designed for two families. I’m also thankful for a chance to pay off our moving expenses and save for a deposit on our apartment so we don’t have to take it out of our savings.
On the other hand, I still really, really miss having a place of our own to call home. No matter how gracious your hosts are, living out of a suitcase in a room without four complete walls gets stressful. I also get a lot of fulfillment from creating a homey home environment, and it’s discouraging to not have a place where I can do all the wife and mother things I enjoy so much. I LOVED being a stay at home mom after Berean was born, and I just ache to have space where I can create order and beauty and functionality in our own little world with our own little routine. And last but not least, no matter what the circumstances, telling people that you’re living with your parents never makes you feel like you’re doing especially well in life, so it’s a bit of a blow to my pride….
On a little side note here, I have to say how it still amazes me sometimes that I get so much joy and fulfillment out of being a stay at home mom. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but I was afraid I would chaff a little–miss “ministry” and “stimulating conversation” and “freedom” and all that jazz. It’s not that I love those things any less than before or am any less passionate about them, but I think it’s that motherhood has been so much more wonderful and awe-inspiring and fulfilling than I ever dreamed possible. There’s probably a whole other blog post in this topic, though, so I’ll just leave it at that for now.
Anyway.
I suppose I’m learning (or at least wrestling with) a lot: blessings, thankfulness, perspective, patience, humility, etc. There was a picture that was all over Facebook this Christmas that put things in perspective:
I have to remind myself to mentally replace the right side of the picture with my “stresses” lately, whether that’s a picture of a home, new clothes, a computer that works better, or whatever. It seems obvious, for example, that we “need” a two bedroom apartment, until I think of the thousands of families living in one room shacks or on the streets or running for their lives from war zones and genocide. And I could make similar comparisons with all my issue right now. I am definitely blessed.
So, all that to say, not much has changed, except (hopefully) some of my mindsets and attitudes. I could probably get this tattooed on my forehead: Colossians 3:15 “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.”
December 5, 2011
What’s the Point of Pinterest?
For a while now I’ve heard people gushing about how addictive the website “Pinterest” is. The first time I went to it I completely didn’t get it. Then one day my cousin commented that Pinterest is like “organizing the internet,” and my little ears perked up. I love organizing things. I have a color-coordinated closet. I organized my DVDs by genre, time period, title, and color, until I got married and (with trembling lower lip) finally agreed to just organize them alphabetically and by genre so Adam could find them too.
Pinterest is basically an online inspiration board. I’ve seen authors, artists, interior designers, etc, have pin boards above their desks where they save things that inspire them: photos, scraps of fabric, favorite quotes…whatever. That’s what Pinterest is: an online pin board.
The reason I didn’t get Pinterest at first was because I was looking at the home page, which isn’t organized. Once you have your own profile page, however, you create “Boards” which are a collections of your “pins.” Here are some of my boards:
Some of my Pinterest boards. Clearly I need to add more pins!
For example, I created a board called “Things I Love to be Surrounded By,” which is basically a collection of things I would love to have in my dream home one day. When I see a picture on a website of, say, a kitchen that I love, I click “Pin it” and Pinterest makes a “pin” out of that picture and adds it to my collection. So now I have a collection of pictures to give me ideas for decorating my house in the future. Here’s a screenshot of some of my pins on that board:
One of my Pinterest "Boards" and some "Pins"
The cool thing, though, is that it also adds a link to that website along with the picture. In the past, I’ve bookmarked websites that I wanted to remember, but that means I have a billion bookmarks, and a link just isn’t as inspiring as an actual picture. Now I can go to my “Crafts” board and see pictures of all the crafts I’ve thought would be fun to do, click on the one I want, and instantly go to the website that has directions for it.
You can create as many boards as you can think of: craft ideas, books to read, thought provoking articles, pretty clothes, recipes, Christmas/party decorations, time/money saving tips…whatever! You can view other friends’ boards, too; I’ve gotten some great ideas for crafts to make, recipes to try, decorating tips, etc from friends’ pins. You can also search for pins: I searched for “Photo Wall” to get ideas for how to hang pictures in our new apartment, and this is some of the results:
Pinterest Photo Wall Search
I wouldn’t say I’m “addicted” yet, but I think it’s going to be a fun tool to organize and keep track of things that inspire me and websites that I just plain want to find again! One warning: the images aren’t filtered, so you do run some risk of running across risque images, particularly if you do public searches. If you’re mostly using it to organize your own websites/pictures and see what your friends like, though, the risk is pretty minimal. If you’d like an invitation to join Pinterest, just let me know!
December 4, 2011
Snow!
In case you didn’t notice, it is once again SNOWING here on Watermarked One! I set this up last year to automatically start every winter because I loved it so much (and was in South Carolina and missing snow). I forgot all about it until I logged on today and there it was! I love snow!! Have fun playing (it follows your mouse!) and happy snow season, everyone! :)
Berean’s First Thanksgiving
We celebrated Berean’s first Thanksgiving with my family a few weeks ago. He was TOO cute in his little turkey shirt, as you can see. He just bursts with personality, and I think I love him more every day! He just got his second bottom tooth, which is also too adorable for words. Love this little boy so much!
My mouth is open, bring on the food!!
What's up? I'm just chillin'. (Wink, wink)
I made sure to get these teeth before all the big holiday meals!
We had a glorious feast for Thanksgiving with all the traditional (at least for our family) foods: turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing with raisins, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes (plain and with marshmallows), corn, fruit salad, cranberry sauce, all sorts of pickles and olives, rolls, sparkling cider, and six kinds of pie: French apple, pumpkin, lemon meringue, chocolate French silk, cherry cheese cake, and plain cheesecake, with ice cream and whipped cream for topping. I’m listing those for two reasons: 1) I’m curious if my grandchildren will someday read this and if the traditional foods will be the same or will have changed, and 2) because it’s really amazing to have so much food.
We started a tradition when I was a little girl where we would start the Thanksgiving meal with five kernels of corn on our plates. This is reportedly what the Pilgrims lived on for daily rations before they were able to take in their first harvest, thanks to the help and friendship of the native Americans. When they celebrated their Thanksgiving feast, they put five kernels on their plate to remind them of how far God had brought them. It is always really sobering to look at those five tiny kernels on our plates and then look up at the incredible meal in front of us. We take turns taking each kernel and saying one thing we are thankful for. We are very, very blessed!
Thanksgiving Dinner, 2011
Thanksgiving night we watched “The Pursuit of Happyness.” I love that movie and I’ve been wanting to watch it for a while now. I love it because it reminds me how blessed we are to have family who love us and will always be there for us in hard times. Every time I see the main character and his son sitting on the floor of the public bathroom in the middle of the night because they have nowhere else to go, cradling his sleeping son and crying, I think “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” It’s easy to take good jobs, warm homes, and caring family and friends for granted. We are so blessed.
November 14, 2011
Beautiful Things Out of Dust (A-la-carte life update)
For those of you wondering if we fell off the face of the earth, the answer is yes. Thankfully, (after a stop in Wisconsin) we landed in Colorado. Whoo hoo! I’m pretty sure my stress level was supposed to decrease after the move was over, but that has not been the case. I’m not sure if it’s really exploded or if it’s just cumulative stress of the past six months, but I’m kind of freaking out about life.
We haven’t found an apartment yet, mostly because we’re trying to figure out exactly what our income is going to be. Adam’s looking for a second job, and possibly a different first job. We’re also, believe it or not, considering the possibility of (gulp) taking the leap into full time ministry, which would (gulp) require raising support. Anyway, I feel kind of suspended in the air with no place to land. I’ve heard husbands freak out without a job; I think wives freak out without a home.
School wise, I’m taking a rather difficult philosophy course right now. I’m pretty sure that times in life where one is emotionally and mentally depleted are NOT good times to take challenging, thought-provoking philosophy courses. It is definitely adding to my stress level.
As for NaNoWriMo…sigh. I’ve managed to keep at it so far, in spite of great adversity (the day it began was the day we started driving to Colorado, so I wrote the day’s word quota that night in a dark hotel room with a husband, two dogs, and a crying baby in the background, in spite of a dead computer, a broken desk chair, and a semi-truck rumbling outside the window. That’s dedication). Unfortunately, I feel like I’m drowning in life right now, and the stress is brutally draining the life blood out of my creativity. I’m not sure if I’m going to make it this year or not. We’ll see.
The upside of life right now is wonderful, adorable Berean. He just turned seven months old. I can’t believe it! Where has the time gone? He has been an absolute angel through all the chaos of the past month. He had his first cold while we were visiting Wisconsin (so traumatizing! He didn’t like it much, either), and just got his first tooth a week ago (my baby is growing up too fast!!) I can’t believe how sweet he was during the trip in spite of a cold, cutting a tooth, meeting a ton of new people, and having his entire life turned upside down. He’s really been amazing. He’s getting much more comfortable and confident meeting new people and being in new situations. We LOVED getting to see family and friends in Wisconsin on the way here, and finally introducing them to Little Bear.
So, all that to say…I don’t know. Adam and Berean are my parachutes in life right now. I feel like I’m just hanging onto them as we fall through the air to land…who knows where. But, as long as they’re wherever we end up, I’m sure it will be okay. God has always come through for us in the past; I think maybe all this stress and uncertainty is a chance to put into practice what we’ve learned about Him in the past when He’s come through in fast, glorious ways that far exceeded our expectations. Things don’t seem to be falling into place very well right now, but the story’s not over, and God hasn’t changed. I have two mantras lately. 1) “Stress is pressure incorrectly handled,” and 2) this song:
October 13, 2011
Six Months Old
Berean just turned six months old. I can’t believe it–where did the months go? We’re loving every day of discovery and development. He lights up our lives in more ways than I could ever express. I’m pretty convinced that he couldn’t get any cuter…and pretty convinced that he’s going to. :)
Berean, Six Months Old
Loving life! And boy do we love him!!
Praising God for our handsome, healthy, heaven-sent baby boy!
